Stop me if you heard this before, but Sunday did not go as planned — it went significantly worse than planned.
Since I have failed you this week from a gambling perspective, I am going to entertain you in hopes of regaining my trust.
Here is my list of grievances with current NFL players who’ve cost us money:
The Entire Buffalo Bills Offense — The New York Jets are already printing up Trevor Lawrence jerseys and figuring out at what point they’ll find it acceptable to tell Adam Gase to stop showing up to work. Your response to that is to kick six field goals and not cover? Why? You spent major draft capital on Stefon Diggs; Josh Allen looked like he had finally figured it out early; and now, you just want to go back to sucking on offense? FIGURE IT OUT.
The Bengals Defense — You have found your QB of the future. He had his signature game-winning drive in the Battle for Ohio, and it would’ve given your fans the hope they needed going forward. A little bright spot in what is going to be a terrible season. Instead, you find a way to blow it. You now not only lost, but you force America to endure a week of Baker Mayfield praise and no less than 12 Instagram posts about being a walk-on and always being doubted. All you had to do was keep it together for a minute; the Browns had no Odell, no timeouts, and needed a touchdown, and you couldn’t even figure that out? F*** YOU.
Andy Dalton, Zeke Elliot, Jerry Jones — Andy, you are the exact reason gingers should all be executed. You and your disgusting red hair and freckles are an absolute abomination to the human race. Zeke, you got paid; EARN YOUR PAYCHECK. Jerry Jones, you waited three years too long to fire an incompetent head coach, and what was your next move? You hired someone who was more incompetent. You spent billions of taxpayer dollars to fill your stadium with mediocrity. Losers.
Atlanta Falcons — Todd Gurley remembered how mad everyone was when, in a regular season game with the Rams against the Packers, he decided to pull up short on a TD that would’ve covered the spread and hit the over. He did his job this time and scored, covering the spread, and all your defense had to do was not choke. I thought you were past this; Dan Quinn is gone and you should stop blowing leads. Instead, you allowed Matthew Stafford to drive 75 yards in 1:04 to lose the game. You are an embarrassment to NFL franchises and should be relegated to the XFL. Clowns.
Russell Wilson — Future made some thinly-veiled threats at your life for picking up his sloppy seconds, and after your performance on Sunday night, I’m inclined to let him follow through. You get nothing but praise about how you should be the MVP, and you continue to prove why you and I have the exact same number of MVP votes, you useless midget. Just like you squandered the gift of an all-time great defense and a Hall-of-Fame RB early in your career, you squandered two chances to win in overtime. You channeled your inner Stevie Wonder in overtime, making a throw even Jameis Winston wouldn’t make. Glad you could pad your stats with those passes to Tyler Lockett early on, just to come up short.
Gardner Minshew — Shave the pedophile ‘stache and go back to bagging groceries. For weeks, I have sat here, waiting for the return of “Minshew Mania,” and it’s officially dead. You get carried by your defense, who ties the game up, and you proceed to disappear down the stretch and come up short.
Alright, with that out of the way, let’s get to the picks. Record below is why I’m mad.
Week 7 Record: 14-21-1
Week 7 Units: -13.3
YTD Record: 129-118-8
YTD Units: -28.49
*All odds based on Bovada 10/26*
CHICAGO BEARS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (Monday 8:15 PM)
Spread: Rams -6
Money line: Rams (-260), Bears (+215)
Bet the house on the Bears and the under. If it is possible for a 5-1 team to be underrated, the Bears are underrated. Nick Foles has completely changed the dynamic of this team for the better, and I think we’re looking at a team that could challenge Green Bay for the NFC North crown. I say take the under here because the Bears are 3-9 in their last 12 games against the over when they’re the underdog. The Rams are 1-9 in their last 10 against the over as favorite. I think we’re destined to see a low-scoring, defensive struggle and the Bears pull it out at the end.
PICKS: Bears +6 (5 Units), Bears ML (4 Units), Under 44.5 (2 units)
If I’m not hiding from bankruptcy creditors I’ll have my Thursday night picks up for you on Thursday afternoon.