NZI Cheat Day Exclusive: White Pizza is NOT Pizza

The Cheat Day went on a week-long hiatus because I needed to organize my thoughts. The world has disappointed me, but I have to believe that, as is the case with most controversies nowadays, the vocal minority was trying to speak for the disenfranchised majority.

There are actually people alive on this planet in the year 2020 who believe that White Pizza is Pizza. Can you believe that? It’s an abomination to the Lord. It’s a fundamental incapability to understand what Pizza is to say that White Pizza is Pizza.

What is Pizza?

Pizza, for those who need a refresher, is defined as follows:

“A flat, open-faced baked pie of Italian origin, consisting of a thin layer of bread dough topped with spiced tomato sauce and cheese, often garnished with anchovies, sausage slices, mushrooms, etc.”

That’s not my opinion; that’s the definition according to the dictionary.

THIS is Pizza. Sally’s Apizza in New Haven, CT. Photo credit: me

Other Non-Pizza

We have seen other examples of the bastardization of Pizza through blasphemous acts of identity theft such as Dessert Pizza. White Pizza, Dessert Pizza, and even “specialty pizzas” like Buffalo Chicken, Barbecue, and Philly Cheese Steak Pizza are all just extremely lazy, uninspired, intentional obfuscation by the creators to confuse people into thinking they are eating Pizza.

Fake News

Those who vehemently defend White Pizza as actual Pizza will also try to tell you that hot dogs and hamburgers are sandwiches, which is also untrue.

This is where things become very clear, in fact.

If a Hot Dog were a sandwich, it would be called “Hot Dog Sandwich.” If a Hamburger were a sandwich, it would be called “Beef Patty Sandwich.” The reason they are called what they’re called is that they are unique, just like White Pizza.

The only difference is that the creators of the Hot Dog and Hamburger weren’t trying to ride the coattails of the sandwich and they branded their amazing foods in their own categories.

The creator of White Pizza missed out on a golden opportunity to establish White Pizza as its own unique food item. I weep for them. The chance to go down in history as an innovator was lost forever due to a lack of creativity. Leaving it up to the uninformed masses to proliferate misinformation about what the food actually is, should be a crime punishable to the maximum extent of the law.

The bottom line is this: the most prominent ingredient of Pizza is tomato sauce. White Pizza does not count tomato sauce among its ingredients.

Therefore, without tomato sauce, White Pizza simply cannot be Pizza.

(Editor’s Note: A hot dog is, indeed, a sandwich. I’ll see you in my office, Will.)

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