The home stretch of this long journey is upon us.
The volume of data and research that went into compiling this list was absolutely tremendous. My data lab is in disarray, devolving into a vast cavern of empty bottles, precarious stacks of printed reference materials, half-used jars of Nepalese hair clay, and innumerable garbage cans filled to the brim with Drew’s gambling picks and Michael Pallas’ scarcely-read Jets prognostications.
The end result is a masterpiece of intoxicating treats that can serve as the foundation for week-to-week experimentation with the Official Drink of your team’s opponent, or perhaps a beverage buffet to enhance this year’s Super Bowl party.
The options are endless and they’re all great, and you have me and data to thank for it.
New York Jets – The Jersey Devil
The backstory of this cocktail deserves to be properly told, so to quote the data source:
… one stormy night in the 1700s, a woman gave birth to an infant she described as the devil, with hooves, a goat’s head and bat wings. Though the creature flew out the chimney, legend says he continues to haunt the Pine Barrens area even today.
I have my theory as to what became of the unwanted devil child, and I wholeheartedly believe that the creature remains active in its pestering of Jets fans to this very day. The clue that gave it away to me was that the Jersey Devil unceremoniously exited the family home, refusing to get along with the family who loved and supported him despite his penchant for terrorizing people.
Anyway, be sure to listen to Michael Pallas’ podcast.
Philadelphia Eagles – Fish House Punch
It’s incredibly appropriate that the Official Drink of the Philadelphia Eagles is a punch considering the well-documented history Eagles fans have with assault (of each other, opposing fans, Santa, police horses, etc.).
The Fish House punch is allegedly “the oldest punch in the English-speaking world,” which is a very generous description considering the Philadelphian dialect barely qualifies as English.
I would be willing to bet that many Eagles fans have had this drink without even knowing it, accidentally creating the concoction with any alcohol they could steal from their grandmother’s liquor cabinet on a hungover Sunday morning.
Another happy coincidence about this drink is that it’s named after the Schuylkill Fishing Company of Pennsylvania, which one has to imagine absolutely stunk much like the team’s franchise QB.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Milledgeville Mai Tai
Philadelphia claimed the cocktail designated for the state of Pennsylvania, which is only right since Pittsburgh is basically just an inbred cousin of West Virginia and Eastern Ohio.
For the Official Drink of the Steelers, I used Ben Roethlisberger as the inspiration and, without hesitation, identified the Milledgeville Mai Tai as a surefire way to get the party going, especially if it’s after midnight in a small Georgia college bar.
One of the great things about this drink is that it travels well, so you can even take it to the bathroom with you. Just make sure you have a couple buddies watching your back if you do so everyone can keep their stories straight.
San Francisco 49ers – The San Francisco
San Francisco is a city with one of the highest costs of living in the country, and yet they still have a major problem with people pooping in the street (over 130k reported street poops since 2008). That, friends, is what we call range.
The California cocktail was claimed by Los Angeles in Part 3, so for San Francisco, a little extra research was required. An alternative data source was discovered, and the creatively-named San Francisco cocktail was the choice.
The drink was reviewed as “long, fruity, slightly sweet, and laced with vodka,” which is so perfect I couldn’t have possibly made it up on my own. I am just going to leave it at that.
Seattle Seahawks – Irish Coffee
Seattle is synonymous with a few, very specific things: grunge rock, rain, failed attempts at anarchy, and coffee. It should come as no surprise that the Official Drink for the Seahawks is an alcoholic nod to the city’s most notable export.
Everyone loves a good Irish Coffee from time to time. The drink is a great fit for the chilly, damp, windy climate, sure to provide some relief on an ugly Football Sunday for a shivering Seahawks fan braving the elements at CenturyLink Field.
The only potential problem I can see arising from this beverage choice is the potential for a sensitive fan to claim that it’s a case of cultural appropriation. Besides, it’s gratuitous to even add “Irish” to the name; in Ireland, they just call it coffee.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – TB12™ ELECTROLYTES (unflavored)
Until this season, Tampa would have been a great match for something with a rum base and perhaps a pirate theme to it. Kraken Rum would have made a TON of sense, right? Not anymore, bub.
Tom Brady is the king of Tampa now, and if you’re on Tom’s team you better be dedicated to the TB12™ Method. No nightshades allowed! Alcohol? I think not. Everything you do and ingest better be specifically formulated to ensure peak performance.
It’s rumored that TB12™ is even working on a cutting-edge nootropic supplement to reverse the aging process in the brain! Unfortunately, the product is still in the R&D phase, but hopefully, it’s ready for testing very soon!
Tennessee Titans – Hydroxychloroquine
If you have been paying even the slightest bit of attention to the NFL recently, you are well aware that the Titans have been struggling with an outbreak of COVID-19. The team’s handling of the league-mandated protocols has been called into question, with evidence emerging that they may have even skirted the containment measures and practiced illegally.
So far, the Titans have had one game postponed several weeks, while their game this past week against the Bills was moved to Tuesday evening. Needless to say, the Titans (and the NFL) cannot afford any further disruptions to the schedule.
I have an idea that could save the Titans’ season. I may not be a doctor, but I am a data expert, and the data has led me to conclude that a steady diet of a hydroxychloroquine cocktail will ensure smooth sailing for the remainder of the season AND the pandemic.
Washington Football Team – Bleach
Very few things on this planet can make watching a Football Team game palatable, but acute bleach toxicity is certainly one of them. The disorienting — and potentially deadly — effect of bleach on the human body when ingested is, without question, an acceptable reason to stop watching the game and seek life-saving medical intervention.
Additionally, bleach can be used to attempt to wipe clean from history the decades of racial insensitivity, exploitation, and disregard for tribal communities across the country who repeatedly voiced their disapproval of the team’s former name and imagery.
At the end of the day, there’s just simply nothing good about being a Washington Football Team supporter, not even an Official Drink.
That is going to do it for the comprehensive, data-based investigation of the Unofficial, Official Drink of Each NFL Team. I hope it was informative, entertaining, and piqued everyone’s curiosity to (almost) all of these drinks a try.
Let me know if you think I got it wrong on Twitter or in a comment below.