We’ve reached the second half of this exercise and I am sure that the remaining 16 fanbases are on pins and needles waiting to find out which drink will be theirs.
In Part 1, the Cardinals, Falcons, Ravens, Bills, Panthers, Bengals, Bears, and Browns were paired with their official beverage. Part 2 matched various inebriants with the Cowboys, Broncos, Lions, Packers, Texans, Colts, Chiefs, and Chargers.
There has been some feedback from fans who have never even heard of the cocktails assigned to their team, and thus, reject the drinks as a representation of their city and team.
To that, I say: I am the authority on this matter and, thus, I tell you what your city likes to drink.
Now, be quiet and bottoms-up.
Reminder: data determines the drink assignments, so having a temper tantrum if you don’t agree is basically just an interpretive dance demonstrating how dumb you are for arguing with incontrovertible facts.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Shandy Khan
The official drink of the Jags is a deviation from the standard source data, but one of the more apropos beverages in the entire list. The Jaguars have a very distinct color scheme that is mimicked by this cocktail, which is an original creation of a local Jacksonville bartender named Josh Strickland.
The ingredients — amber rum, lemon juice, honey syrup, bitters, beer, and blue curaçao garnished with an orange — sound lovely, which is more than I or anyone else can say about the city of Jacksonville.
Florida is a popular place for vacationers from around the planet, but a little known fact is that literally zero people from outside the state go to Jacksonville annually for entertainment purposes.
It’s just a very sad state of affairs for the most populous city in Florida and the largest city by area in the contiguous United States, but at least they have a great-looking drink named for a man with a fanciful mustache.
Las Vegas Raiders – Scotch Old Fashioned
To say that I am disappointed right now is severely underselling my dissatisfaction with this drink assignment. Last week, the Old Fashioned was stolen and slightly altered by both the Lions and Packers, so I was not expecting yet another team to do the very same thing.
To make matters worse, I expected a lot more out of Las Vegas. It’s a place where you could walk down the street and might see Criss Angel levitate, watch Siegfried and Roy get eaten by the animals they abused, or suddenly be brought to tears by Celine Dion’s ageless pipes; but the best they could do is change one ingredient in a cocktail already claimed by WISCONSIN?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to make the Official Drink of Vegas a yard glass full of a frozen swirl with a 151 floater? Maybe get cute with it and make it a Dirty Hooker? This is just lazy.
Vegas, please call me; I have ideas.
Los Angeles Rams – Moscow Mule
The Moscow Mule, like the Los Angeles Rams, is “on-trend” as the NZI fashion blogger would say. The most noticeable thing about the Mule is the distinct copper mug in which it is served, which is a similar trait to the Rams who got a new, flashy look this year.
I have enjoyed a Moscow Mule or two in my day, and I find the drink to be absolutely delightful. Coincidentally, I also find Sean McVay’s fiancee, Veronika Khomyn, to be delightful. But, that is where the serendipity ends, as I have not had the opportunity to enjoy her company.
Interestingly, Sean McVay looks like a bar back at a West Hollywood “mixology studio,” so this Official Drink pairing really is a perfect match — just like Veronika and I would be.
Miami Dolphins – Rum Runner
Miami is a unique city, with a wealth gap issue that ranks as the second-worst in the entire country. Miami sports fans are famously unenthusiastic when it comes to basketball, and famously not present for baseball, but there is genuine local interest in the Dolphins.
When I think of the Dolphins, I think of two distinctly different facts: they’re the only team in NFL history to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl; and they wasted Dan Marino’s legendary career with zero championships.
Nonetheless, the Rum Runner is a pretty solid Official Drink match for the Dolphins. Miami’s tropical climate and noteworthy beaches bring to mind an island lifestyle where the rum flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.
Minnesota Vikings – The Bootleg
The Vikings, pound-for-pound, are the most disappointing team in the NFL. There isn’t really an argument to be made for another team that has failed to capitalize on as many golden opportunities as the Vikings have over the course of their franchise history.
In the ’70s, the Vikings lost FOUR Super Bowls.
In 1998, the Vikings went 15-1 and set a record by scoring 556 points, but failed to advance to the Super Bowl.
In 2015, the team pinched pennies and fired their real life Viking mascot, Ragnar, after being a staple at games for 20 consecutive seasons.
In 2018, they signed Kirk Cousins to a three-year, fully-guaranteed $84M contract, and doubled-down by extending the contract two more years at $33M per year. I think I am supposed to say something about the team’s official drink now, but no good has ever come from Kirk Cousins and a Bootleg.
New England Patriots – The Boston Flip
Folks, sometimes these things just write themselves. The Internet gods have smiled down upon me on this glorious autumn day.
The Boston Flip may damn well be the Official Drink of the New England Patriots, but it’s also a perfect way to describe Boston Sports fans. The New England Patriots were an afterthought in Boston basically until Tom Brady was called into action to replace Drew Bledsoe in Week 2 of the 2001 season.
From that point forward, Boston (and people from all over, sadly) flipped to being huge Patriot fans. A similar story applies to both the Red Sox and Celtics, acquiring a rejuvenated following after rising to prominence. And just like when Brady started, they flipped again when Tommy Boy left for Tampa.
The question is, why can’t these people just love their teams unconditionally? Perhaps, at their core, the fans are actually disgusted by them, just like they should be by this gross cocktail that uses a raw egg as an ingredient.
New Orleans Saints – Sazerac
I had high hopes for the Saints and they didn’t let me down with the Sazerac. Did I know what it was before this very moment? No, I did not. Am I clear on what the ingredients are or if the drink would taste good? Can’t say that I am, sorry.
But this drink has the makings of being truly unique to New Orleans and the Saints, something some other drinks on the list certainly cannot claim (looking at you Nevada/Wisconsin/Michigan). The original recipe seemed fairly straightforward, although a bit specific:
“Early recipes called for a very specific cognac, Sazerac de Forge et Fils, imported to the Big Easy since the 1800s. A local apothecary produced Peychaud’s bitters, then considered a health tonic.”
From there, the drink evolved to include other ingredients like rye whiskey to replace cognac, and the ever-mysterious absinthe.
Like I said, I really don’t know if this thing would taste good but I do know that it sounds like something a Voodoo Shaman would create so you won’t read a bad word about it from me.
New York Giants – Manhattan
Get it? Manhattan, like in New York City!
I suppose this drink – named for the most famous borough in NYC – is only a logical match for the big brother in the New York City football hierarchy, even though some people think the Giants and Jets are basically the same. We’re going to turn a blind eye to the fact that neither team plays in either the city or the state of New York, but there will be more on that next week in Part 4.
The Manhattan is a classic, simple drink. It’s not exactly the type of beverage that’s you’d see being carried through the concourses during a game, but I am sure a metric ton of them are downed on the high-dollar club and suite levels.
Unfortunately, this season has been a rough one for the Giants and their fans. The team is off to a dismal 0-4 start. Their best player tore his ACL in Week 2. They’ve been outscored by more points (49) than they’ve scored themselves (47).
Through it all, there is a constant, though. A beacon of positivity to help the guys power through these difficult circumstances.