Back when NZI was but a twinkle in Chibs’ eye and he started to assemble this roster of contributors, I thought to myself, “Please, Almighty Creator, let there be someone amongst us who can blog about fashion.”
Night after night, I broadcast this wish into the world, riding a rainbow of good vibes fueled by indomitable hunger for discount codes on startup “lifestyle”-branded clothes, hair products lacking FDA approval, and 10-day tea cleanses.
In my mind’s eye, I knew exactly what NZI needed.
Picture, if you will, a man brave enough to wear a winter hat when it’s too warm for others to even consider such an accessory. Imagine with me, just for a moment, a person so prepared for drastic shifts in temperature that he leaves the house wearing both a synthetic leather jacket AND a flannel button-down secured firmly around his waist for quick access.
What we needed was a man with expert skills in the art of aloof photo poses, and by the grace of the Internet gods, that is exactly what we got.
A shockwave of energy tore through NZI headquarters when the acquisition was announced. Everyone knew things would change from that point forward. Finally, NZI could infiltrate the coveted male, 18-23, bargain Internet pomade shopper demographic.
We would be unstoppable, and we had this savior to thank for it.
Weeks passed, and my disappointment grew with each passing day that a fashion blog wasn’t posted. A golden opportunity was afoot, as everyone knows that September is a hot month for engagement on affiliate links to weight-loss stimulants to use during Sober October.
When would we unleash our secret weapon and take over the Internet?
Alas, this morning I woke up trapped in a nightmare: no fashion blog would be coming. No promo codes for apple cider vinegar gummies. Not even a GOD DAMN video tutorial for men who may want to know how to use foundation to create the appearance of a more defined jawline. NOTHING! Our lifestyle guru has forsaken us.
I know what everyone is thinking: if the fashion guy is gone, how will we know what’s on-trend? How can we possibly flex on our neighbors if a lifestyle expert from Pittsburgh doesn’t dress us?
Relax, people. I enacted a fail-safe in the event that our King was taken from us prematurely — though I must admit that I expected his demise to be related to a tainted ketosis enhancement pill.
I was able to get some tips from him recorded for posterity, and now is as good a time as any to share them with our huge, loyal audience.
Presented without editorialization, here are the 10 Must-Have Fashion Items for Fall 2020: