Limited Edition NZI Fashion Blog

Back when NZI was but a twinkle in Chibs’ eye and he started to assemble this roster of contributors, I thought to myself, “Please, Almighty Creator, let there be someone amongst us who can blog about fashion.”

Night after night, I broadcast this wish into the world, riding a rainbow of good vibes fueled by indomitable hunger for discount codes on startup “lifestyle”-branded clothes, hair products lacking FDA approval, and 10-day tea cleanses.

In my mind’s eye, I knew exactly what NZI needed.

Picture, if you will, a man brave enough to wear a winter hat when it’s too warm for others to even consider such an accessory. Imagine with me, just for a moment, a person so prepared for drastic shifts in temperature that he leaves the house wearing both a synthetic leather jacket AND a flannel button-down secured firmly around his waist for quick access.

What we needed was a man with expert skills in the art of aloof photo poses, and by the grace of the Internet gods, that is exactly what we got.

A shockwave of energy tore through NZI headquarters when the acquisition was announced. Everyone knew things would change from that point forward. Finally, NZI could infiltrate the coveted male, 18-23, bargain Internet pomade shopper demographic.

We would be unstoppable, and we had this savior to thank for it.

Weeks passed, and my disappointment grew with each passing day that a fashion blog wasn’t posted. A golden opportunity was afoot, as everyone knows that September is a hot month for engagement on affiliate links to weight-loss stimulants to use during Sober October.

When would we unleash our secret weapon and take over the Internet?

Alas, this morning I woke up trapped in a nightmare: no fashion blog would be coming. No promo codes for apple cider vinegar gummies. Not even a GOD DAMN video tutorial for men who may want to know how to use foundation to create the appearance of a more defined jawline. NOTHING! Our lifestyle guru has forsaken us.

Going to miss this level of engagement

I know what everyone is thinking: if the fashion guy is gone, how will we know what’s on-trend? How can we possibly flex on our neighbors if a lifestyle expert from Pittsburgh doesn’t dress us?

Relax, people. I enacted a fail-safe in the event that our King was taken from us prematurely — though I must admit that I expected his demise to be related to a tainted ketosis enhancement pill.

I was able to get some tips from him recorded for posterity, and now is as good a time as any to share them with our huge, loyal audience.

Presented without editorialization, here are the 10 Must-Have Fashion Items for Fall 2020:

4-Button Suit with Pleated Pants

Photo credit:

Carpenter Jeans (with hammer)

Earth-tone Toe Shoes

Half-finger Driving Gloves
(IMPORTANT – worn strictly when NOT driving)

Red Snapback Hat

Puka Shell Necklace

Steampunk Sunglasses

Bejeweled Mesh COVID-19 Mask

“Dope” Four-Finger Ring

Citronella Tiki Torch

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