Welcome back to the legally-binding, unimpeachable, data-backed Official Drink breakdown for all 32 NFL teams. Last week, I covered the first eight teams alphabetically. I encourage everyone to go back and check that out after finishing this week’s edition.
Reminder: this Official Drink breakdown is backed by data, as opposed to opinions and bias which have no place here.
Dallas Cowboys – Margarita
The Official Drink Breakdown source data has thrown me for a loop several times thus far. Although mainstream drinks are preferable, my dedication to data integrity precludes personal preferences from influencing outcomes. Playing the hand I was dealt, I must write about a drink I’ve never even heard of, let alone tasted.
The “Margarita” beverage is surely rooted in the rich French history upon which Texas was founded several thousand years ago. In fact, French scuba diving pioneer and inaugural Governor of Texas Jacques Cousteau’s favorite drink was the Margarita. Coincidentally, the name Jacques translates from French to the English name “Terrell,” and Cousteau translates to “Landlord.”
Denver Broncos – Colorado Bulldog
Effusive praise was heaped on Broncos fans in my Top Ten Fanbases in the NFL blog. High altitude tailgating is surely a unique drinking experience.
That being said, those who know me will tell you I am an avid dog lover. I was taken aback to learn that the official drink of the Broncos is the Colorado Bulldog.
Snub-nosed dog breeds have a tendency to suffer from a condition known as brachycephalic obstructive airway syndrome (BOAS). How can the team’s official drink be named for a dog breed that could die by attending a game?
Do you know how high the stadium is? AN ACTUAL MILE.
Detroit Lions – Detroit Old Fashioned
One of the beverage matches so far on this list, the Detroit Old Fashioned is exactly what it sounds like. Detroit unnecessarily added something to a proven commodity – in this case, 150-year-old local Ginger Ale Vernors – and made it bad.
The Ford family and their management team have employed this very same approach for decades. Nonetheless, the people of Detroit deserve to unwind with a stiff cocktail, even if it is just an uninspired knockoff. It reminds me of their selection process for hiring Head Coaches.
Green Bay Packers – Brandy Old Fashioned
A pattern is emerging in the data. Boring states with uninspired populations look to trendsetting places, bustling with creativity and guiding the world to new frontiers.
Both Michigan and Wisconsin have hijacked the Old Fashioned. An inexplicable change to the original cocktail was made in both cases.
In Wisconsin, brandy replaces whiskey. Brandy was the drink of choice of passengers on the Titanic, people over 75, and literally no one else.
A cheese wedge garnish would be the perfect touch for this cocktail, but creativity is not common in Wisconsinites.
Houston Texans – Dr Pepper
The Cowboys already laid claim to the little-known “Margarita,” so Houston’s official drink required further research. Dr Pepper made a concerted effort to be crowned the official soft drink of Texas.
Although this Official Drink Breakdown should pertain exclusively to alcohol, the fascinating history of Dr Pepper in Texas warranted an exception.
In Waco, Texas, in 1885, a pharmacist created the formula, which remains a trade secret to this very day.
Another beguiling factoid about Dr Pepper is the etymology of the brand’s name. As the story goes, Wade Morrison, the proprietor of the original formula, named the beverage after Dr. Charles T. Pepper in exchange for his daughter’s hand in marriage. However, this alleged arrangement was especially problematic, as the doctor’s daughter was only eight years old at the time.
Now that I think about it, Dr Pepper should not be the official drink of the Texans. Boycott Dr Pepper everyone, everywhere, forever.
Indianapolis Colts – Hoosier Heritage
To this point, there have not been many new drinks on this list that make me want to try them. The official drink of the Colts, the Hoosier Heritage, broke that mold.
“Knob Creek rye, apple cider, maple syrup, and lemon juice”
To say Indiana surprised me here is an understatement. I was under the impression the state’s greatest achievement was the array of chain restaurants per square mile in Terre Haute.
The Colts play in a relatively new building with a roof, so “warm” drinks aren’t getting extra points. This cocktail, however, could be a draw all by itself. I have lost sleep recently thinking about how unremarkable life in Indiana must be. Though the people of Indiana may be in a perpetual state of boredom, at least they are getting drunk in style.
Kansas City Chiefs – The Amelia Earhart
A distinction in life to which everyone should aspire is the honor of a drink being named for you. However, getting lost at sea is not an advisable path to achieving this outcome. Failing upwards is a thing, but I don’t recommend crashing downwards, especially when piloting an aircraft.
Deadly plane crashes notwithstanding, the Amelia Earhart suits the Chiefs. The color is bright red, as are the Chiefs’ uniforms. The ingredients are sweet and whimsical, much like the golden voice box of Patrick Mahomes.
Most significantly, there is an uncanny resemblance between the hairstyles of Patrick Mahomes and the cocktail’s namesake, Amelia Earhart.
Los Angeles Chargers – Austrian Muscle Relaxer
For numerous reasons, I deviated from the format when determining which drink to align with the Chargers. California currently hosts three NFL teams, so something had to give. More importantly, the Chargers will forever be associated with San Diego no matter where their headquarters is located.
To suggest that the Chargers have a rabid fanbase would be an egregious overstatement.
Enter: the Austrian Muscle Relaxer, a tropical cocktail that lures the imbiber into a false sense of security. San Diego brahs and babes may have never even realized there was a football team to watch.
The drink could have a practical application for the team now, even in their new Los Angeles home. The drink is an iteration of the Painkiller cocktail, a safe alternative to pregame injections on the starting QB.
Part 3 of this four-part weekly series on the Unofficial, Official Drink of Every NFL Team returns next Wednesday. Please check back and watch for links on Twitter. Also, don’t forget to go check out Part 1!