Yesterday morning, my weekly Power Rankings feature was posted at 8:00 AM sharp.
As mentioned in the critically-acclaimed first volume of this weekly series, I took on this immense responsibility because none of the other NZI writers were brave enough to compile rankings that are often met with negative feedback from trolls.
(Editor’s Note: Except NZI’s proprietor and founder. But that’s neither here nor there.)
The Power Rankings are a duty I take incredibly seriously, which is why I have repeatedly affirmed my dedication to data rather than the opinions, clickbait, and bias that are a staple of traditional Power Rankings from the “big boys.”
Proud of the diligent work I had completed, I planned on taking the rest of the day off to peruse more data — for pleasure. Then, suddenly, and without warning or provocation, the very foundation of NZI’s Power Rankings were brutally attacked.
Data was the real victim here, and I will not stand idly by and tolerate such cowardice.
I will save everyone time and a headache, and explain to you that these bootleg Power Rankings are nothing more than a jealous attempt to steal some confused clicks from an established feature on the site.
In fact, not only are these rankings unofficial, they’re completely made up without even so much as an explanation as to how they were compiled.
The options for retribution were unlimited: violence, litigation, kidnapping his loved ones — everything was on the table.
I took a long walk and considered the best course of action in defense of data, and had an epiphany: when data is attacked, the best weapon to defend it is more data.
After all, while Drew may seem to be making this attack personal, his real beef is with data, not me. I put on my hard hat, got back in the data lab, and let big data do all the work.
The findings might surprise you, but they shouldn’t.
But that’s not all. This buffoon isn’t just a flat-earther; his anti-data beliefs go far deeper.
At the end of the day, I won’t tell our readers which writers to read and which ones to boycott forever and block on Twitter and erase completely from their memory. It’s clear what people want, and that is useful information with verifiable data behind it.
Besides, would NZI readers really trust rankings coming from someone with these irrational team allegiances?
Big Data: the King, now and forever.
Check back next Saturday morning for Volume 3 of the OFFICIAL NZI Power Rankings.
(Editor’s Note: Only if Will’s not fired.)